The World As I See It

What took me quite some time. It took me the better part of 37 years to come to the conclusion that if the problem was within me, the solution must be there also. That I had to give myself room for the good to manifest. If all I see are knives, it’s not complicated to see why I am bleeding out all the time. So I used my ever-present imagination to force my brain to see the possibility that I may be wrong; that she really does love me that much. That no shoe is going to drop unless I throw it into the air.

Jesus gave me the room to kneel down and look at the world through my children’s eyes, wide and full of possibility, not pain.

When my Son was young, his school lost him. They put him on the wrong bus. For almost an hour, I had no idea where he was. I was going to turn into a bomb; I was going to melt the universe; and I would have, but after an hour, when I finally found him. He looked up at me (he was coloring) and said.

“I knew you were going to come and find me.” he smiled at me and went back to coloring, and I cooled. I hugged him; he hugged me; and Jesus hugged us both. I have a bond with my youngest son; that is, well, it’s something to behold. There is a trust there that I personally never had; my father wasn’t around. ever.

I was violently angry that day. And all of the negative shit going on in my head; all of the red; it didnt help me. Not at all, but the light did. Looking at that event now, understanding what it was for. I thank God they lost my son for an hour. Because he now KNOWS I will come find him no matter what.

I needed to know that from my own father, and I never did.

What is looking at life with more kindness and giving room for love, giving room for mistakes, giving room for life. To see it as just Love. Leave the red for better uses, like sex and passion.

Have a wonderful day,

Hearld.