The World As I See It

I decided to combine these two pieces of relevant information. You should always know the five W’s and the singular H, with the latter being the most important one alone.

When is complicated. I am 37 years old. I am somehow old enough and young enough at the same time. I don’t feel old most of the time, but I almost fell down the stairs last night because my knees are about shot. My body may be dying, but my spirit will always burn; whatever it is inside me that makes me, well, me. It won’t die. Not as long as she holds it. And I know she will. It took me years of analysis to realize the wall behind me that refused to let me run was God.

The hand that held my head forward and made me look into the mirror was God

The voice that tells the kindest woman I have ever known, “he is worth it,” that must be God. Because I have different voices inside of me. I have several. But once I learned to listen to them all individually; once I figured out it wasn’t all me. I could tell who was who.

And then I began to listen. So when? is kinda a bad question; it’s more “why now”

I tried to see doctors. I spoke to all of them; I told them the truth, and they called me a liar. Well, when the panic sets in, and I end up on the floor crying because something I cannot see is attacking me. It doesn’t feel like I am lying; it feels like you lack proper imagination. It feels like you think a lack of faith or refusal of it will stop that from happening to you. I don’t think it works that way.

I always knew. I was born understanding, at a basic level, that God was real. Someone made all this, not something; and the more I have played god in my own worlds, the more I can hear their voices clearly.

God sounds like wind wrapped in lessons

Jesus sounds like sunlight wrapped in kindness

And the Devil sounds just like me when I hate me.

There are several other voices in there, but those depend on whatever story I am writing at the time. So not exactly helpful. And the part of the “Why now” is that I am Sober; at least from alcohol, which is what I used to make everyone shut the fuck up so I could think.

Who feels easier to me now than it ever has. I have worn a lot of suits, a lot of titles, a lot of medals, a lot of lies. All crowns placed upon my head, by hands; I did not want for reasons I did not agree with. The military is a complicated place for someone who feels everything, everywhere, all the time.

I’ll give you an example: I recently saw Hamnet; that movie makes me tremble. In a single frame, I can see my wife, my sons, my wife, my daughter, and myself. I can feel each of those characters personally, and I see colors and hear music; that relates to them; it’s a constant movement of my mind whenever I really interact with anyone or anything I have to have an emotional connection with.

I won’t get into what I did for a living, but remaining dispassionate isn’t something I do; I just bury it until it explodes. My actions harming people were nothing I enjoyed.

After all the medals and titles, I have narrowed it down to these.

Son

Father

Husband

And, well, me.

They all worked in that order. They all solidified in that order; I have held many others within this grouping, but I hated them all.

And someday, if God keeps pushing as hard as he does every morning.

Teacher, speaker, pastor, something…

“I didn’t give you this information for it to just sit in your skull”

I hope you have a wonderful day. I hope God looks down upon you with as much tolerance as he does me. If he doesn’t, Jesus will talk him into it either way.

Love you.

-Hearld